If you suck at disc golf, no bother …
LOOKING like you don’t suck is half the battle: If you can do that, your Tour Card awaits.
Thank me later:
1. Bag five-plus Star Destroyers
Not everybody is blessed to be a member of Team Innova. Strangely, if last off-season is any indication, professional disc golfers are doing all they can to NOT work with the manufacturer.
Regardless, if you huck Innova plastic and your name’s not “Nathan Queen,” it’s pretty much a requirement that you bag (and throw) a minimum of five Star Destroyers – no questions asked.
Remember: The likes of Nate Sexton, Jeremy Koling and Calvin Heimburg have actual disc golf talent – you don’t. In the presence of the aloof, ignorant or just plain stupid, throwing the same discs they throw, however, might be just enough to put some credibility on your name.
Here’s the thing, though …
It’s not enough to merely bag a bunch of Star Destroyers.
The trick to making this tip work is preaching to anybody willing to listen the “hard doctrine” of cycling discs – your lineup of Star Destroyers, of course, will serve as a real-life example. Also, don’t forget to use mega-confusing terms like the following to drive-home your brilliance:
- “Embossed”
- “Destrulcan”
- “Avery Jenkins”
- “Parting-Line Height”
- “Two-Line” or “Three-Line”
Use this method frequently – it works every time, 50% of the time.
* Pro Who Does This Well: Literally any member of Team Innova – dealer’s choice.
2. Flaunt your use of a chalk bag
Seriously, get cute with that thing:
- Toss it in the air.
- Slap it against your disc.
- Clap it between your hands.
- Throw it aside aimlessly when done.
The opposite of that last one works, too …
Carry your chalk bag everywhere – for putts, approaches and even full-blown drives. Sure, your hands might be sweaty, but you want your cardmates or random park-goers to think it’s because of hard work – NOT because you’re nervous and have no idea what you’re doing.
Chalk: It’s not just for children and Olympic gymnasts – it’s for conniving disc golfers, too.
* Pro Who Does This Well: Adam Hammes does nothing without a Whale Sac in hand.
3. Get intricate with your pre-shot routine
The longer, the better.
No joke: You want to dedicate an UNHEALTHY amount of time to this thing:
- Practice your follow-through – slowly.
- Whip a towel around to mimic your disc.
- Toss a few blades of grass to get a wind read.
- Rub your hand in dirt: Allegedly, this does something.
And don’t worry about the whole “30 seconds” rule, either …
Everybody knows that’s just “the man” trying to put a stranglehold on our free-spirited game. Nikko Locastro and Gannon Buhr pay him no mind, so you shouldn’t, either. Besides, rules are for the “peons” of the sport: You are God’s gift to plastic – as such, you unabashedly defy them.
* Pro Who Does This Well: Chris Dickerson’s often compared to a “robot” for this stuff.
4. Shout ‘Get stable!’ after every single tee shot
Mid-flight, there are many things you can yell at a disc – don’t make this more complicated than it needs to be, though. I don’t want to hear any of this “Get lucky!” or “Get skinny!” crap …
To opt for either one of those is to openly admit that your throw wasn’t what you’d intended. You’re “talented,” remember? Por favor, be smart with your verbal, profanity-laced tirades.
One phrase alone will get the job done – it’ll be your money-maker:
“Get stable!”
Going this route allows you to do two things: 1) To express frustration, because, hey – you’re human, and 2) to be critical of yourself, while simultaneously flexing on how “swole” you are. You’re humble, yet – at the same time – your biggest downfall is a lack of a stable-enough disc.
* Note: Regardless of what the disc’s doing, use this phrase – it’s the message that matters.
You need a disc that can keep up with your game …
Why else do you think Simon Lizotte introduced the world to the Meta Tilt?
* Pro Who Does This Well: Any Innova pro dumb enough to bag a Star Shryke – not good.
5. Use nonverbals to blame errors on ‘uncontrollable’ factors
Most amateurs airmall at least one 15-foot putt a round. It’s usually followed by a four-letter word, a half-smile and a quick chuckle: They’re horrible; they know it – they embrace it.
But you’re trying to transmit confidence in the face of blatant inability …
You simply don’t have time for this kind of behavior.
So let’s go back: You’ve drawn nothing but air on a 15-foot, bogey-saving putt. Don’t laugh it off. Instead, scowl, look down at your putting hand in disbelief and promptly check the wind with a nearby tuft of grass. Clearly, Mother Nature is to blame for this – to err is mortal …
And that’s NOT you.
* Pro Who Does This Well: Paul McBeth is incapable of mistakes – he’s the master of this.
One bonus tip for the road …
Play with people worse than you – WAY worse than you.
If you’re big on lifelong deception, make sure your newbie discing buddies never catch wind of JomezPro, Central Coast Disc Golf or the Disc Golf Network – otherwise, the jig will be up.
Of course, the other option is to just practice and work hard at your game …
Eh, maybe next season.
Have anything to add? Take to Twitter to let us know – we’ll actually (for real) get back to you.
Editor’s Suggestions:
- What’s the ‘Sleepy Scale’ in disc golf?
- I accidentally aced with a Halo Polecat
- The Innova TL (or TL3) is disc golf’s purest fairway driver
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