‘If you’ve ever __________, you might be a disc golfer’

During his heyday as a stand-up comic, Jeff Foxworthy was known for his “you might be a redneck if …” jokes. Nothing complex – the framework of the bit was pretty simple:

“If you’ve ever [Insert Quip], you might be a redneck.”

Sample a bunch for yourself:

A few weeks back, I thought it’d be fun to crowdsource an article from readers with the same formula. Only, instead of focusing on rednecks, followers of the Green Splatter Twitter account would chime in with their two cents on what makes a disc golfer just that – a disc golfer.

“If you’ve ever ____________________, you might be a disc golfer.”

* Note: The best answers will become part of an article.

— Green Splatter (@GreenSplatter) December 17, 2022

In total, 117 responses came through – many of them with multiple suggestions. Some of ‘em sucked. Some of ‘em were mediocre observations. And some were top-of-the-box quality.

Think yours made the cut?

Have at ‘em …

The C-Tier

• “If you’ve ever talked to trees, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever shunned the ‘frolf’ name, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever said ‘treenial’ or ‘treedirection,’ you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever gone fishing, but without a fishing pole, you might be a disc golfer.”

• “If you’ve ever searched for baskets passing a new park, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever apologized for saying ‘nice’ to someone, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever spent hours pulling plastic out of a pond, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever tried to influence a disc with body English, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever hit the first-available on back-to-back holes, you might be a disc golfer.”

The B-Tier

• “If you’ve ever attempted to skip stones backhand, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever considered swimming with alligators, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever sized-up gaps at a Christmas tree farm, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever let Twitter decide your putter for a year, you might be a disc golfer.”

• “If you’ve ever texted multiple strangers in the same day, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever used an old baby stroller for discs and beer, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever preferred coursework to your own yardwork, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever tossed the best roller of your life by accident, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever claimed to throw 100 feet farther than reality, you might be a disc golfer.”

The A-Tier

• “If you’ve ever claimed maritime law, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever bought acetone in bulk, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever eaten beef jerky for breakfast, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever been injured playing Ultimate, you might be a disc golfer.”

• “If you’ve ever admired the dents in a nearby tree, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever thought about starting a disc golf podcast, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever attempted Paul McBeth’s ‘windmill’ flick, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever hid a new stack of frisbees from your wife, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever considered becoming a professional athlete, you might be a disc golfer.”

McBeast Mode

• “If you’ve ever yearned for Finland, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever supported deforestation, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever randomly X-stepped in public, you might be a disc golfer.”

• “If you’ve ever said ‘anhyzer’ without ‘Busch,’ you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever tried to hyzer-flip a plastic plate, you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever given a child the middle name ‘Conrad,’ you might be a disc golfer.”
• “If you’ve ever had to pay to buy back your own property, you might be a disc golfer.”

So …

Can you relate?

Ultimately, Twitter wit isn’t what makes you a disc golfer …

Getting out and hucking plastic on the regular does – do it to it.

Have anything to add? Take to Twitter to let us know – we’ll actually (for real) get back to you.

Editor’s Suggestions:

• Review: The Innova Gator
• Disc golf: What’s the ‘abandoned throw’ rule?
• Paul McBeth’s 2023 tour of Europe is a blow to the DGPT

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