Last year, in honor of No-Shave November, I penned a piece on the five best beards in professional disc golf. This year, to recognize Movember, I’m dedicating an entire post to the top mustaches the professional scene has to offer. When the disc golf off-season hits, it really hits …
Case in point?
This topic.
I’m getting older, and I tend to be blind to these sorts of things, but following the release of “Top Gun: Maverick,” loyal mustache-wearers appear to be getting younger and younger – and more numerous, too. No, the stache is no less creepy-looking, but it’s entered society’s mainstream.
This includes disc golf.
See for yourself.
1. Casey White
Casey White is ghost-pale and rail-thin.
Essentially, he’s Slender Man with a Hard Exo Tactic.
With that kind of build, it’s important to make a statement – something to get people’s guts beyond the grim-reaper vibe you innately give off. He recently got a tattoo. I know next to nothing about them, so I’m not sure if that helps or hurts his look – I’ll let you decide.
And wouldn’t you know it, to further bolster his on-coverage image, he pulled a page directly from Tom Selleck’s playbook, opting to add a perma-stache to his repertoire. Selleck’s muscles likely give him an upper-hand come lady-getting time, but as much as it pains me to say it …
The mustache works for White.
Keep it.
2. Paul Ulibarri
Like many a mustachioed man …
Paul Ulibarri is follically challenged:
- I know it.
- You know it.
- He knows it, too.
Here’s what I admire, though:
Instead of slapping Rogaine on his chin to try and reignite the face-puberty process, he’s accepted his coverage, made an effort to grow it out and is rocking it with confidence.
If Johnny Depp can do it, so can Uli.
Sometimes, less is more.
THIS is one of those times.
3. Noah Fiveash
In a world with thousands of hairstyles, Noah Fiveash woke up one morning, took a good, long look at himself in the mirror and made a conscious decision to go with “demolition derby” as the image he wanted to present to the world. Clearly, self-certainty isn’t something he’s lacking.
Of course, the mullet isn’t the ONLY thing contributing to his trailer-park aura …
It’s the snot-mop, too.
Tragically, the Fiveash stache (accidental rhyme) isn’t a permanent fixture of his face. Depending on the tournament or time of year, he’s clean-shaven, fully bearded or – as luck would have it – sporting one of the sexiest (?) mustaches the Pro Tour has ever seen.
Give the guy 20 years, some piercings, ink and kittens, of course.
Joe Exotic 2.0
4. Aaron Gossage
Aaron Gossage is the grandson of Richard “Goose” Gossage’s cousin. If that name doesn’t ring a bell, he was an MLB pitcher in the 70s and 80s who threw for nine clubs over 22 seasons.
He was no scrub.
The dude’s in the Hall of Fame.
Click here to see what he looked like as a player.
Aaron’s mustache isn’t the thickest. And even if he wanted to, I’m not sure his face has the follicles to add a “handlebar” to the setup he’s currently working with. But the fact that cringe-worthy mustaches have become a family affair for Gossage men is admirable.
Traditions are worth safeguarding.
A-A-Ron is doing his part.
5. Luke Humphries
Of the four guys mentioned before Luke Humphries on this list, three of them can’t grow much more than a pencil mustache. Humphries, on the other hand, can grow a mustache – and then some. You could easily argue “saving the best for last” is an overused writing technique …
Guilty as charged.
Seriously, look at THIS thing:
Worth the wait, no?
During an interview with Green Splatter, Humphries revealed he never wanted to be known for his mustache. In his own words, “It was a COVID joke that went a little too far – way too far.” Because of this, these days, Luke’s lady-tickler is a rare, seldom-seen treat for disc golf fans.
You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.
This includes crumb-catchers.
* Honorable Mention: When Uli retires, Gavin Rathbun will own the game’s best pirate beard.
I’m going to shoot you straight …
Writing this sucked.
I might not be a great disc golfer, but I’ve got one of the thickest ginger beards you’ve ever seen in your life. If this whole blogging thing doesn’t work out, I’ve got a gig at Notre Dame waiting for me as the real-life mascot the school trots around at halftime during heated football games. As such, feigning admiration for an obviously lesser facial hair style wasn’t a simple task.
Mustaches are hot; I can cover them.
Next November?
The soul patch.
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